A wall around my heart (My Own Reflection Pt.2)

MI rejection puts an end to all my fantasies, my naive wishes and my foolishness. I hated him, not for rejecting me but for making me believe that love wasn't as beautiful as I've thought. 

But he wasn't the first. The first person to have told me that he loved me with all his life didn't take very long (a week) to find a new love either. 

Again and again, I desperately tried to find a reason to believe in love by letting myself 'fall' for someone. I was hoping that someone could prove to me that my naive fantasy was possible after all, that someone could really love me for me. But again and again, I was always wrong. 

It's not that I don't believe in love. I still cry when I watch those sad romantic movies and read romance novels. But I would never be able to relate to it.

So I built a wall around what is left of my heart.

Whenever I am emotionally caught up with somebody, I always get hurt. I'm so sick of it. I'm so scared of it. I now find myself blocking off people whom I fear are getting too close to my heart. Maybe it is safer this way. Atleast now I won't get hurt. 

So I don't trust anymore. I always feel like people are just leading me on, none are honest, none really likes me for who I am.

...

But the truth is, feebly, deep down I am still foolishly holding onto a hope of a happy ending. I want to be able to tear down the wall around my heart for the one who have been waiting outside of it for a long time.

I really am a fool.

My Own Reflection Pt.1

A close friend once told me: "You fall for people too easily."
She must have gotten tired me telling her about my crushes on guys every half a year or so. I guess she was right, but  I denied it anyway.

Then for a while, I just couldn't get those words out of my mind. I do fall for people too easily. It's not that I 'fall in love' with them but rather  their little actions always get my hope up. He does something nice to me and suddenly I think "maybe he likes me ?". I'm just a hopeless idiot.

Maybe it's because I'm so desperate to be in love. I wanted so bad to be in love. Why ? So that I won't become a bitter and depressed person.

For all my life, I've only been in love with a guy once. I loved him so much I could have done anything for him. 2 years, for 2 long years I was hopelessly in love with him. It was one-sided but my love for him blinded me, I couldn't see clearly. Despite the clear signs that he wasn't interested, I wanted to believe I could change that. You see, I loved reading shojo mangas then, where the guy always fall for the girl who was always there for him. The Taiwanese drama, 'it started with a kiss' was my favourite. The main girl in the drama just keep loving the main guy, who initially hated her but then grew to love her just as much. Yes, I believed in that fantasy, in fictional stories and happy ending. That, if I keep loving him, keep being there for him, he will fall for me.

What a fool I was.

As soon as she appeared, I knew our story wasn't going to be my version of 'it started with a kiss'. My heart was in denial but I knew, deep down, he wasn't here anymore.

So I told him. I told him that I loved him.
I knew the answer though.









I cried.

My blog

So I finally got a blog after so many times thinking "I wish I had a blog to write this down."

This blog is going to be a place where I can vent my personal thoughts and feelings. So move along, nothing to see here.